Dear Mom, Can You Tell Me How You’ve Done It?

 Today’s Daily Prompt invites us to write a letter to mom.

I am sharing my guest post on Black Box Warnings.

A mother figure comes in many shapes and forms. Today, I celebrate all the women in my life who helped me become the mother I  am today. 

I encourage you to do the same!

Dear Mom,

I can imagine the feeling of sheer joy you felt the day he was born. I can imagine the peace that blanketed you while your arms blanketed him. I can imagine the look in your eyes as you looked into his, and thanked the Lord for another healthy child. I can imagine how proud you felt to present Dad with his first son. After having two girls, I can imagine a boy was a welcome addition. I can imagine the dreams you had for him. I can imagine all the visions of “firsts” that went through your mind as you held him for the first time.

I can imagine all of this because I too am a mother now. I too have held my children and dreamed of what their future would hold. I too have envisioned each “first” in their life and the happiness each may bring to mine. What I can’t imagine is how you have coped with all the “firsts” you never envisioned in his life.

How did you survive the first time he had to visit a psychiatrist? How did you deal with a complete stranger telling you there was something wrong with your son after having only known him for one hour, when you had known him for years? He didn’t know his favorite homemade meal. He didn’t know his passion for music. He didn’t know his compassion for others. He didn’t know these things and so many more, yet in one hour he determined there was something so wrong with your son that medication and therapy were ordered. How did you hold back the tears when you realized you were being told years of after school conversations around the kitchen table over milk and cookies were a thing of the past? What your son needed now were hour-long sessions with a stranger who promised to reach him, when his own mother couldn’t.

How did you manage to get through the phone call letting you know your son had been hospitalized because he was confused and couldn’t even tell the day of the week? Did it take you back to the days when you would circle important dates on the calendar for him to look forward to? Or, did it take you even further back to the times you repeatedly sang the days of the week song to him, so he would be ahead of the game when he entered Kindergarten?

How did you hold it together when you stood by his hospital bed time and again, and looked into his eyes much like you did in another hospital long ago? Could you still see your baby boy in those eyes even if he couldn’t see you? How did you make your words reach him when he was trapped in a world incapable of speech? Where have you found the courage mom? Where have you found the strength to pick him up each time he has fallen when his pain now is so much deeper than a scraped knee?

How have you listened to the many different labels placed on your son throughout the years? How have you helped him to accept those same labels as a positive step on a path to mental health, when the only labels you’ve ever had for him are my son, my baby boy, my world? What have you done with all those dreams you had for him? Have you given up on them in your heart of hearts or have you altered them? Have those dreams now simply become ones where he is as happy and healthy as he was when he entered this world? How have you continued to live each day, mom, when you must be dying inside?

As I look at my own son, I think of you mom. I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through with your son. As his sister, I know what my experience has been, but as I look at my happy, healthy little boy I can’t even begin to imagine the depth of your pain. From one mother to another, I can say you have given me the best example of what it means to be a mother. It isn’t about teaching them their first words, but about being their voice when they can’t speak for themselves. It isn’t about cheering them on when they take their first steps, but about walking alongside them no matter what their journey entails. It isn’t about putting a band-aid on their knee when they fall, but about always being there to pick them back up. Most importantly, it is about never giving up on your child…no matter how many sleepless nights it may cost you.

Forever in awe of you,

Your grateful daughter

It’s Like Giving Birth On Christmas Day And Having The Easter Bunny Stop By! Red Circle Days Is Out!

There are moments in our lives that are imprinted into our very soul. Moments that don’t require a photo album or memory book for us to revisit them time and time again. Some may bring to life the very feelings of sheer happiness they brought the day we experienced them. Others bring the heart wrenching sorrow we spend years trying to erase. These are moments that don’t need a reminder or a red circle on a calendar date, our hearts wrapping around them much like the tiny box on a calendar, keeping them contained only to bring them to the surface each year. Red Circle Days is a collection of those moments that I will forever carry with me, thought-provoking moments and stories which have left an indelible imprint on my very soul.

Red Circle Days has been released, and is available on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, the Apple iBookstore, and Sarah Book Publishing.

Book signing dates and locations will be announced shortly!

A huge thank you to all, from WordPress for the user-friendly platform to showcase and challenge my writing, to friends and family for the endless support, to the many followers who have liked, commented, and cheered me on from a distance. You have ALL encouraged me on this journey. It truly is a dream come true and a red circle day for me!

Get Your Head Out Of The Gutter!

All roads lead somewhere, but sometimes we keep taking the same road over and over again, head down, not really getting any where. I don’t mean your commute to work as sometimes that can’t be changed, and I don’t mean this only in the physical sense. How much are we not seeing because we are just going through the motions? Do we remain on that road out of habit, a sense of comfort, fear? What would happen if we change our direction just a bit, and tried heading down a different path? We’ll never know if we don’t try it. Whether it’s in our career, personal life, or spiritual walk, we will never know what’s in store for us if we don’t look around and take that first step down a different road. On that new road, we may find the reward to be greater than anything we could have ever imagined, or we may just confirm that the road we’ve been on is the right one for us. Either way, simply looking at things with a fresh perspective can be enlightening.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve started running in the mornings, a huge challenge for someone who isn’t a morning person. I don’t like to talk when I run, mostly because I’m too busy trying to breathe, and I don’t really look around much. I spend my time looking down, trying to talk myself into the next mile, mentally pushing myself to make it across the bridge and back.

Most mornings, this is what I see.

photo credit: littlemisswordy

photo credit: littlemisswordy

photo credit: littlemisswordy

What I’ve been missing out on seeing is this.

photo credit: littlemisswordy

photo credit: littlemisswordy

photo credit: littlemisswordy

photo credit: littlemisswordy

The road I travel may have only shifted just a bit, but my perspective shifted a lot. My run hasn’t gotten any easier, I’m still trying to breathe, but the reward has definitely been enlightening!

Are you stuck on the same road, wishing for a change?

Are you being pushed in a new direction, but you’re too afraid to take that first step?

Is there a way to shift your direction a bit, change your perspective, and maybe reap the rewards?

What are you waiting for?

Identify Your “Training Wheels” And Smile!

We’ve all met at least one person who treads a little lighter than the rest of us, who grabs life with both hands, experiences it to the fullest. It’s not that they are irresponsible adults. It’s just that their approach to life in general is different from most grown ups. They don’t allow themselves to get caught up in the details. They don’t over think. They just breathe in life’s moments, filling their lungs with each experience, and letting every inch of their body feel the joy life offers. Is it a personality trait inherited from some gene passed down to them from a life loving parent? Or, is it something they learned along the way?

As a kid, I remember being fearless. Yet, now I over think riding a Roller Coaster as I imagine endless frightening scenarios all of which leave my two children motherless in the end. As I climb aboard, buckle my seat belt, then check and double-check it, I’m silently berating myself for being so careless as to agree to this irresponsible joy ride. I am a mother for goodness sake, not some free wheeling teenager doing pop-a-wheelies on her mountain bike (ah those were the days). Nevertheless, I settle in and after a quick plea bargain prayerful talk with the man upstairs, I make a conscious decision to enjoy the ride. It isn’t long before the cars pick up speed, I feel the wind in my hair, and the sheer exhilaration of feeling free! In that moment, nothing can stop me and I feel like I can take on the world!

My kids: cooling off and smiling from the inside out, after a long bike ride.
photo credit: littlemisswordy

Do you remember the first time you learned to ride a bike? It’s that same feeling I’m referring to here. No matter how we approached that bike for the first time, the end result was the same. Once we got going and felt the wind in our hair, we could take on the world. There was no hiding our smile as it traveled from our mind to our face, until it took over every fiber of our being and shone like a Fourth of July sparkler beckoning the world to smile with us! Why do we reserve that full body joy as something to be experienced only by a carefree child?

When I taught my oldest how to ride a bike, her little brother was her biggest cheerleader as she fearfully gave up her training wheels. Olivia approached this challenge in her usual fashion. With much detail, she proceeded to delineate each and every way she could fall off her bike, and each and every injury that was possible. I gave her some space, addressed her concerns accordingly, and eventually she faced the latest challenge in the life of a six-year-old — with determination and a few meltdowns. On the other hand, Evan watched Olivia the first day as he circled her on his Spiderman bike WITH training wheels, and like a good brother and little knight, cheered her on at the appropriate moments. However, on day two he adamantly demanded I take his training wheels off.

Evan’s approach to learning to ride a bike was much different from his sister’s approach. Fearless and with complete faith in his abilities, he not only wanted to go fast but didn’t want me to hold him back. Not a single thought to consequences, injuries, etc. he quickly progressed to riding without assistance in a mere thirty minutes. Their approaches were different, but their end result was the same. They both experienced the same sense of freedom, wind blowing in their face, head tilted back, smiling with their entire body.

This left me thinking about how we approach life. What are our “training wheels” and how much do we depend on them? Training wheels aren’t a negative thing, but definitely aren’t meant to permanently carry our weight. Do the training wheels in our life show up in the form of our friends, our family, our career, our doubts, or the dreams we’ve put on hold? Why do some of us hang on to our training wheels longer than others? Is it because they’ve become so much a part of us that we don’t even realize we’re leaning on them? Are we too afraid to remove them even for a moment for fear of failure? Are we allowing our training wheels to hold us back from that sense of freedom?

Wouldn’t it be great to experience that smile from the inside out…the kind that makes you literally jump for joy just like when you were a kid? Whether it’s a roller coaster, a bike, or life, inevitably the moment arrives when we have to ride all on our own, feel the exhilaration as we pick up speed and confidence, tilt our heads up to the sky, and welcome that cool breeze on our face.

 Weekly Writing Challenge: Truth is Stranger than Fiction

How Big Do You Love Me?

Like many families, the kids and I have a game we’ve played for years. It’s called “How Big Do You Love Me?” and the way it’s played is we try to outdo one another with descriptions of how big our love is for each other. For example I would say, “I love you as big as a rainbow” and one of the kids would say, “I love you as big as a mountain” and so on and so forth. I think the most creative example of Olivia’s love for me at the age of two was when she responded, “I love you as big as the tallest tree with the biggest elephant sitting on top of it.”

www.etsy.com

Through the years, a similar game has presented itself in my life. This one I call, “How Big Is My Faith?” I’ve encountered this game many a time and have found it more challenging than the one I just described. This game has pushed me to the next level during my dad’s illness and ultimately his painful death, during the trials and tribulations of relationships, when close friends have chosen a path separate from the one we were so blissfully traveling on hand in hand, and even when life has presented me with the difficult choice of stepping back and allowing a loved one to find his way without my constant guidance. It has also presented itself for my family and I when we’ve had to take a leap of faith in a move to what is undoubtedly the equivalent of a foreign country with unfamiliar customs.

However, the real test of “How Big Is My Faith?” came in the form of “The Ultimate Challenge” round. Maintain your faith while giving up everything familiar to you, including a church you called home not only on Sundays, a rector whose sermons stayed with you from week to week, and a family who might not have been related by blood but who came together in happiness, sorrow and everything in between. Your assignment should you choose to accept it is to walk away from that and enter a realm of the unknown, find a new church, a new inspiration, a new way of spiritual satisfaction. Not easy, but that’s why they call it “The Ultimate Challenge” and why if you complete it the satisfaction is greater than anything you could ever imagine. I set out to finish the game, beat the boss, complete the challenge and found many an obstacle in my way.

What I learned through it all is that my faith is bigger than a church and bigger than a sermon, but not bigger than God. I have had more time for reflection and have found inspiration within myself and in places I never dreamed of looking when I was sitting back and letting others feed my soul. I finally embraced my passion for writing and it has become an outlet for me in so many ways. It has fed my soul in ways I could never imagine when I was comfortably contained within my comfort zone. I am walking through life with my eyes more open than they have ever been, and allowing life’s smallest of details to inspire me. When I sit down in front of my computer, and let my fingers travel over my keyboard taking on a life of their own I know I’m feeding my soul and possibly others in the process. I know God is smiling down on me. And, as for “How Big Is My Faith?” well let’s just say it’s definitely as big as “the tallest tree with the biggest elephant sitting on top of it.”

For my friends whose life circumstances have left you feeling tired, like life has beat you down. For those of you who feel like your faith is not as strong as it once was and may question it and even God. We’ve all been there, but don’t be afraid to look around you, to dig down deep. Be open to new churches, new friends, new ways to inspire yourself and feed your soul. And know that as long as God is present in your heart, he will always be present in your soul.

One of my favorite Christian songs is by an artist named Nicole Nordeman. She wrote it for a close friend of hers who was in a place in his life where his faith was lacking or maybe even nonexistent. I leave you with her lyrics and video.

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That’s all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land for so long

But what if you’re wrong?

What if there’s more?

What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?

What if you jump?

And just close your eyes?

What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?

What if He’s more than enough?

What if it’s love?

If you’re interested in spreading A TON OF HOPE, here’s what you need to do:

1. Write about something that makes you feel optimistic.
2. Post MONDAYS. Start the week off with a positive outlook.
3. Grab a badge by going to your dashboard and clicking the IMAGE widget. Adjust pic size 200h x 200w. The image URL: (http://keepingitrealmom.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/project-optimism.jpg)
4. Link over here and invite blogger friends to join in.
5. Encourage the person who linked up before you. Kindness is contagious!

The Search For Life’s Magic Editing Wand

“Stereograms are multi-dimensional, computer-generated, graphic images that contain hidden content (images and text). The hidden content can only be seen when viewed from the proper visual and mental perspective. Stereograms contain multiple levels of reality. The surface level usually contains a variety of colors and patterns that make stereograms appear chaotic and disorganized. Once we penetrate into the deeper dimensions of the hidden content, we discover the real meaning of each stereogram.”

Photo Credit: eyetricks.com

I think I might be a human Stereogram.

Allow me to break it down. I wasn’t the kind of little girl who enjoyed playing dress up. As a matter of fact, I was such a tomboy that I was most comfortable in my jeans with a torn knee and a t-shirt. However, as I got older I started to enjoy it. Maybe because dressing up then also entailed an evening out and the good time that accompanied it. I love going in my closet and searching for just the right outfit for the occasion, and twirling in front of the mirror once I’m dressed. Herein lies the problem…the mirror. At first glance, I’m usually happy with what I see, but much like the stereogram it seems I contain multiple levels of reality. The more I stand in front of that mirror, the closer and longer I look at my reflection, the unhappier I become with what I see. Much like the stereogram, I believe I start to see “hidden content” in my image I didn’t originally see. Unlike the stereogram however, the longer I look the more chaotic and disorganized my reflection appears to me. And, once I see those flaws it is all I can focus on, leading me to doubt the whole ensemble, making me question my exercise plan, and ultimately sending me spinning back into the closet to change outfits. When did I become such a girl?

I am much the same when presented with a photograph of myself. Again, at first glance I think it’s not bad, but upon further inspection I can’t keep my finger from gravitating toward the delete button. There are very few photos of myself that I really like, and even then that photo is probably the fifth photo taken because the first four were deleted. Anyone who takes a photo of me, knows there is an approval process before it can be shared through any social media. On a recent trip to NYC, some strangers offered to take a photo of my husband and myself in front of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. I disliked the photo so much, I asked the police officer standing on the corner (much to my husband’s embarrassment) to take another photo of us. Then, I had him retake that photo! Thank you Mr. NYPD!

I’ve always wished I had a magic wand that would allow me to immediately edit those photos, and ultimately the reflection I see in the mirror. My husband doesn’t understand my warped perception of myself, and quite frankly I don’t either. How can I see the results of my hard work from running and weight training one day, yet not see it another day? I see what I see though. When my son was around two years old, he was crying one day and could barely get the words out when I asked, “Why are you crying?” Between breathes he said, “I cry because I cry!” Well, I see that warped image because I see that warped image!

This week, I’ve held an editing wand in my hand though not one I could use on my image. You see, I’ve been editing my soon to be published book, Red Circle Days, and do you know what I’ve discovered? I have come to the realization that my reflection isn’t the only thing that can generate self-doubt. As I read through my writing once more, I begin to doubt the quality. I start to feel that no amount of editing will ever make it good enough in my eyes. I start to envision my book sitting on store shelves collecting dust after a handful of copies have been purchased by my mom, other family members, and good friends. So…I struggle to move forward in the editing process until it is complete, much like I struggle to turn away from the mirror and head out the door in search of something good. I know I will keep trekking along on my road to a fitter me, and I know I will keep trekking along on my road to publishing my first book. I will continue because I can’t give up on either journey. My son may cry because he cries, and I may see a warped image because I see a warped image. However, magic editing wand or not, I write because I write!

Do you have any aspects in your life, where you search for that magic editing wand?

Year Of The Golden Handcuffs

Have you ever had a time in your life when you knew exactly what you wanted and were totally and completely focused on getting it? What if that something could only be accomplished if something else actually took place first? What if you just kept trekking along on your designated path to your goal, but that goal always seemed a little out of reach? However, with full certainty you wholeheartedly believe the end result will be everything you dreamed so you are immobilized from deviating from your current path.

2012 was that year for us…the year of the golden handcuffs. For us, it came in the form of a job opportunity for my husband. It required us to make some huge changes in our lives including another move across the ocean and a venture into homeschooling for the kids and I. It also meant once again walking away from our small Texas community, a place which has always provided our family with a great education for our children and fed us spiritually. Our reason for this new chapter in our life was to bring our close-knit  family of four back together after living with an ocean between us for over a year. It seemed the heartache of missing each other was in constant conflict with the warm fuzzy feeling of being surrounded by friends, teachers, and a parish community who showed us endless support. So…we maintain our current path with golden handcuffs securely fastened, in the hopes that the pay off will be worth it, with immense gratitude we have a job in today’s market, and full hearts to be together.

Yet, I can’t help but think of all the other aspects in our lives where we find ourselves in golden handcuffs. The New Year always brings with it the resolve to live a healthier life and so many of us enthusiastically take the path and willingly place our hands in the golden handcuffs of a vision of a thinner, fitter, body. We often welcome the golden handcuffs of all the climb up that corporate ladder promises. And relationships often provide the ultimate golden handcuffs…especially when we are in desperate search of that fairy tale romance and the happily ever after we so often crave.

Golden handcuffs can represent an impetus for a better future, motivation to better ourselves and our situation. Golden handcuffs can also become a restriction, an obstruction of progress, and ultimately the one thing keeping us from our true destiny.

What are your golden handcuffs? Do you see them as a positive or a negative?

Feed your Fitness Soul…Physically, Mentally, Spiritually

Kate over at BeyondFitPhysiques.com found my blog, and asked if she could interview me and feature littlemisswordy on her site. I was thrilled given that I wholeheartedly believe fitness goes beyond our physiques. Well, being littlemisswordy, as I tried to answer Kate’s questions individually I kept wanting to say more, wanting the ladies reading this to get the full message of the importance of feeding your body physically, but also feeding it mentally and spiritually. I hope I achieved that here.

FEED YOUR FITNESS SOUL…PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY!

We all have a story, and we all have a fitness story. Yes, even you! We all have something we turn to that feeds us physically, mentally and spiritually. Fitness is about finding that balance among all of these things so as not to tip the scale so to speak. All the personal trainers in the world and all the health and fitness magazines on the stands can’t tell you what that balance is or how to achieve it, the balance for each of us being as unique as our DNA makeup. However, to ignore the advice that’s out there would be detrimental to finding our own fitness balance. If it takes a village to raise a child, why shouldn’t it take a whole industry to feed our fitness soul?

My fitness story began as the little girl who climbed trees, raced the boys (and won), and was happy to be an overall active tomboy. What I would do to experience that childlike energy again. I look at my two children who are ten and six, and see them approach each day with a newfound passion for being active. Then I watch them feed that drive throughout the day, until they have satisfied (and yes at times exhausted) their bodies. And I think…I want to exhaust my body, my mind and my soul in such a way that I know I have fed it to its utmost potential.

When my dad passed away, I found myself feeding my body (with food), my mind (with sadness), and my soul (well it was starving). It took me some time to realize I needed to make a change. I know, the word alone is enough to make you want to hide under the covers. It conjures up the mysterious and the unknown…but also the necessary. As scary as change is, the first step is the scariest, but that step leads to the next and before you know it you’re making strides. I started feeding my fitness soul by incorporating more salad into my menu. One of the ways I do this, is to make a huge salad at the beginning of the week. I’m talking iceberg lettuce, red onions, green bell peppers, carrots, radishes, cucumbers, and celery in a large container I keep in the fridge. It is so much easier to grab for it when it’s already made. I grill chicken breast, slice it up and throw it on top. I’ve read of folks who prep a lot more than that for their weekly menu. I’m not great in the kitchen nor do I enjoy that room of the house. I always say my dream kitchen would have double microwaves instead of double ovens, if that’s any indication. I also started running with a friend. Truth be told, she ran and I tried to breathe while I jogged really slow. She literally ran circles around me, but each day I set a further goal for myself (the next tree, the park bench, etc.) until I was running/jogging three miles a day. I was realistic from the get go about how far and how fast (or slow in my case) I would run. I was also realistic about the time of day I scheduled these runs. If you’re not a morning person, don’t promise yourself you’re going to get up at 5:00am. Chances are you will gladly allow your bed to hold you hostage. I know I would. These small nutrition and exercise changes pack huge benefits when feeding your fitness soul.

Speaking of which, find what truly feeds your soul and make sure you incorporate that into your life. Whether it’s your church, time with your friends, your favorite television series, reading, a bubble bath, feed your fitness soul with it. Mine is writing and I have made it a point to write. I think a book would be great in the future, but for now I have taken the small step of feeding my soul by blogging. Honestly, some days my writing feeds my soul more than my workouts do and that’s okay. It’s all about balance so I make it a point to make both a priority. I have found I have more energy, am in a better mood, and can think more clearly when I am making these a priority. Having said that, we all have a bad day…a day that keeps us from the gym, from reaching for that healthier snack option, or grasping for motivation in the darkness and coming up empty-handed. I have those days, but try to avoid them by starting my mornings with my “productive shoes” on. I don my sneakers first thing in the morning even if I’m not working out until later that day. I try to stick to a weekly schedule of one hour of cardio 4-5 days per week, and one hour of weight training 3 days per week. If it’s on the calendar, then it’s a goal. If it’s a goal and I have my “productive shoes” on, I have a much better chance of sticking with it! Set goals big or small. They are extremely motivational. Push yourself to the next level. If you have completed a 5k, set a goal for a 10k. If you’ve always been a runner, add biking, or a triathlon (there are some out there that cater to beginners, or women only, etc.). If you’ve never used weights, pick up a DVD, or sign up for a class at the gym. Keep adding, keep changing, keep setting goals and keep your fitness story going! Most importantly, keep feeding your fitness soul!

How do you recharge physically, mentally, or spiritually?  What’s your own personal perspective on balance?